Also, apparently, he ‘marked’ Bella’s baby (ummmmmmmmm do they mean this in the way my dog used to mark my neighbor’s azaleas?) So I guess that’s the writer’s way of allowing Bella to have her perfect Edward, AKA “Jawline” (Robert Pattinson) and her Jacob, AKA “Abs on the Side” (Taylor Lauttner).
Jacob is sleeping on the couch now which is just super awk. This time it’s from the Evil Vampire group, The Volturi. In Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (the abbreviated version of the title), the wolves and vampires gather one last time to save Bella from something. I could walk in to her place and there could be steak, mac-n-cheese covered in Chulula Hot Sauce, and Chocolate Cheesecake, and she would want to watch Workaholics the whole time and cap off the evening by letting me destroy her in scrabble-what? It could happen.īut as the opening credits started up and I saw cheesy camera tricks ruin otherwise gorgeous shots of Washington’s mountain ranges, I realized that instead of the dream scenario I had hoped for, Twilight’s director, Bill Condon, had prepared grilled tofu, onions, a glass of ovaltine, and planned a fun evening of eyebrow plucking for our date this evening. Stay positive James, anything could happen. I treated this movie like I was going on a date with a girl I know I don’t like.
As I settled into my seat, pulled out the cheese hamburger, and cracked open the beer I snuck in as a masculinity counter-attack to all the estrogen I was surrounded by, I really did try my best to keep an open mind toward Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2: Yes, Jacob is Still Clinging Around: How Pathetic: Seriously, Jacob, She’s Like Married Now: Don’t Make us File a Restraining Order.
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